Gollum's Travels
by TheImpossiblyAwesomeWriter
Summary: Gollum didn't die at the end of Return of the King. Far from it. He survived to the twenty-first century, a very anti-Gollum age. Each chapter follows Gollum around the world as he tries to survive, befriend or scare the crap out of people, find another ring, and evade capture.
1. Prologue

**Hey LOTR fans! The idea of Gollum in the modern world came to me one day. Add in exotic places, crazy plot lines, a bunch of goofy humour, and this story came into being. It's rated T for now, likely for blood, language, and crude humor, but if it's not living up to that rating I'll change it to a K Plus. Anyway, here's the prologue! **

It was always assumed that when Gollum and his precious fell into the lava at Mount Doom, that was the end of both of them. That's not exactly true. Admittedly, the One Ring was instantly incinerated upon dropping into the molten magma.

But the one formerly known as Sméagol did not meet the same fate. When he sank into the lava, he was not killed. He was not injured. He wasn't harmed in the slightest, believe it or not. Why? Because he's Gollum! Does he need a reason?

The disgusting creature sank to the bottom of the volcano and sucked his thumb for a few minutes before proceeding to swim in circles in the magma. Eventually he surfaced and spotted a lava tube heading out. Gollum followed it for mile after mile, eventually coming out into a forest.

For the next several millennia, Sméagol wandered the planet. After having lived with the ring for so long, some of its life-extending properties had worn off on him, so he did not die or age. He went on with his life, year after year, century after century as the world changed around him. What was once known as Middle Earth was now called Europe. The Third Age was gone, in its place the twenty-first century. A century that wasn't very compatible with Gollum.

But still, he continued to wander the Earth, always messing things up for the so-called modern people. These short stories are the more interesting of those tales, each playing out in a location around the world, with Gollum as crazy and Gollumy as can be. These are Gollum's Travels.

**Next chapter will start the story, at the Eiffel Tower! Expect it up in one or two weeks. **

**~TheImpossiblyAwesomeWriter**


	2. The Eiffel Tower

**Here's the first real chapter! Each story will start with a brief description of the location, followed by a funny story of Gollum getting into all sorts of chaos there. **

_Travel Brochure: The Eiffel Tower was built in 1889 by Gustav Eiffel for the 1889's world fair. At an impressive 1,063 feet, the three-leveled tower was the tallest structure in the world for many years._

Gollum wasn't happy. He scurried through the back alleys of Paris, diving behind dumpsters or any other shelter when someone walked by. He'd found out long ago that this modern world didn't deal well with Hobbits. Especially big-eyed, sharp-toothed, skin-bleached crazy hobbits who wore nothing but a loincloth. Even hiding in the bad slums of the city, where every other person was a pick-pocket, gangster, or killer made no difference. They were all scared as hell of Gollum.

Sméagol crept into an old abandoned building and sat down on the floor to sulk. People were so cruel. Even crueler than evil hobbits like him who would eat those people whenever he got the chance. For years Gollum had wandered from city to suburb, suburb to town, town to country, and country to city right back again. He had no clue what to do. His life consisted of only three goals, three reasons to keep living:

First off, to find food. As previously mentioned, he rarely preyed on humans, as those nasty blighters could really put up a fight. But he'd steal their pets, he'd eat bugs and fish, and if he had nothing else, grass.

Second, he kept moving, searching for a home. There were plenty of places like his original cave left, the problem was finding one far enough away from people.

And finally, he was always on the search for a new precious. Gollum saw tons of rings on people's fingers, but none of them looked the same or somehow felt the same as the original had. That didn't stop him from trying though. The crazy once-hobbit was convinced he'd find another ring someday.

But for now, he was sick of wandering around aimlessly. He wanted to know where he was going, at least for a little ways. What he needed was to climb something. Something high.

A tree? No good. Too many buildings blocked out the view. A building itself? No. How on Middle Earth could he ever get to the top of one of those? Come to think of it, he'd seen a few ladders going down almost to the ground. Fire escapes, although he didn't know that. If he could get to the bottom of one of those, little ol' Sméagol would be on his way up!

Gollum quickly dashed down the street, keeping his eye peeled for one of those outside staircases. He rounded a bend onto another street, and crossed over to yet another. Then he saw it. The answer to all his problems. Er, one of his problems.

It was the top of a gigantic tower, literally towering over the building Gollum stood next to. The Eiffel Tower.

The former hobbit crept slowly along tue street, expecting there to be lots of people near such a masterpiece. He wasn't wrong. As a crowd approached him, he dove into the bushes next to a sidewalk, and hid behind a tree. Then the crazy creature started working his way towards the magnificent structure, stealthily hiding behind each tree he could find.

Sméagol made it there undetected, and quickly stole underneath the huge thing. It was supported by four wide metal arches, but the arches themselves weren't solid, instead made out of sturdy metal bars, like a framework. If he was lucky, Gollum could wiggle his way inside the arch and then climb up inside it without being spotted. Turns out, he was lucky.

It was by no means an easy climb, but the filthy creature had gotten used to that sort of stuff by spending years in caves with huge depressions and cliffs hidden deep inside them. After about ten minutes, he passed the first level and kept climbing. Not too much later, he arrived at the second and pulled himself up onto the sightseeing platform. Everyone took one look at him and ran away screaming.

That was good. It let him continue with no interferences. The climb to the third and final level looked hard, and he was debating turning back when he heard a _ding_. Turning to his left, he saw an elevator. Gollum knew those things! He'd seen them before, and they could lift people, or hobbits, magically into the sky. Perfect.

He dashed on all fours and made it inside just before the doors closed. Riding up with him was a plainly terrified couple. The guy was staring at him in shock. "What youses looking at?" spat Gollum. "Gollum Gollum."

The poor man fainted, and his girlfriend whimpered. Sméagol turned to her and shook his fist. "Youses wants a pieces o's us too?" The woman also collapsed. Gollum shrugged and started whistling along with the elevator music. "We's startin' with thes manses in the mirrorses, woo-hoo..."

After two or so minutes, the elevator doors opened. Gollum snuck out quietly, and pulled himself onto the roof, where he scaled the antenna spire. He'd barely had time to look at the view, what he'd came there for, when a large toy plane flying around started getting on his nerves. Hanging on to the antenna with one hand and one foot, he swatted at it and growled. It was King Kong all over again.

Being unfamiliar with modern technology, Gollum thought the toy was a very big bird. And not of the Sesame Street variety. However, since he didn't know it was remote-controlled, he didn't think to look down at the kid controlling it. If he had, he would've seen a security guard yell at the kid to stop. Flying planes, even toy ones, near the tower wasn't allowed. The kid, startled, accidentally dropped the remote. It hit the pavement and broke. Up above with everyone's favorite Gollum, the plane went haywire.

It crashed into Sméagol, knocking him off the tower. Plummeting down, he luckily grabbed the plane's tail and pulled himself onto it. Now he was glad that the "bird" was so big. Gollum had no control over steering or direction, but he didn't care. The plane kept on flying, and he just enjoyed the view. Whatever had happened to the remote, it sent the plane on a straight course for mile after mile. Eventually the hobbit left Paris behind, and flew over a country-side full of rolling hills and wide streams.

This was where Gollum wanted to get off. But how? He couldn't jump, that'd be fatal. And he didn't know how to get the bird to land. Well, trying never hurt. He banged his fist on the wing several times and shouted. The wing snapped off.

Uh-oh.

The plane tilted right and veered towards the ground. It wasn't quite free-falling, but it was nowhere anear actually flying at this point, and the steep descent continued. It was all Sméagol could do to hang on.

He looked down and saw the ground rushing up to meet him. This was the end. He closed his eyes and prepared for the inevitable when the plane gave another roll and he lost his grip. He then fell for a few feet before landing in an icy cold pond. Ouch.

However, his miseries were soon forgotten when he saw there were fish to catch. Gollum was content. For the time being.

**Thanks for reading! I know this was random, the next chapter will have more plot, and will also be funnier if I have anything to say about it! Also, please review. :)**


	3. Elbsandsteingebirge

**Finally, the next chapter is here! This one's hilarious, but Gollum is a lot weirder and Gollumy in it, so be warned. **

_Travel Brochure: The Elbe Sandstone Mountains (known as Elbsandsteingebirge in native German), is a mountanious area in Germany and the Czech Republic that the Elbe River cuts through. It's best known for its huge scenic sandstone pillars, which tower into the sky, and is a popular destination for hiking and climbing. _

Gollum had been crawling around Germany for a while when he came across the Elbsandsteingebirge. He was immediately impressed by the scenic views. They reminded him of his former home, Middle Earth. Granted, he'd spent most of the Third Age hiding in a creepy dark cave, but still.

The hobbit lived there for a few weeks, trying to avoid the main paths and sightseeing locales as much as possible. He would hide in the valleys below the huge sandstone pillars and mountains, eating rabbits and other small wildlife. Every now and then he would sneak up to the main tourist hiking trail, and spy on the people from whatever vantage point he happened to be hiding in.

All sorts of different people passed by. Most of them were German, but there were many many tourists as well, mainly Americans and other Europeans. There were little kids crying and whining while holding their mother's hands, and people leaning more towards old age who could struggle up the steep paths.

It was one of these occasions, about two weeks after Gollum had arrived in the mountains, that an event occurred. Just like his spotting of the Eiffel Tower, this was a simple enough thing that led to huge amounts of insanity.

Sméagol was hidden in a thorn bush on a little rise over the path. He'd just seen a blonde family of five go by, and the next two people to ascend the scenic route were a twenty-something couple. They were conversing in German, none of which Gollum could understand. Smiling, the guy leaned over and kissed the girl on the lips, before they continued their hike.

That one little display of affection mystified Gollum. Why had they pressed their lips together? Then he remembered something from back in the days before the ring had entered his life. All the hobbits who were lucky enough to win over a fine lady hobbit always kissed her, sometimes quite frequently. Sméagol had never kissed or been kissed. Even before the ring corrupted him, he was always weird and unpopular, and none of the hobbit girls had liked him.

It was time for that to change. Gollum needed his first kiss. As far as he knew, he was the only hobbit left on Earth, but humans were close enough for him. Dashing through the woods, he neared a path less frequently used. Coming up the path was a lady jogger, listening to whatever music was playing on her earbuds, her breasts bouncing up and down with each step, and her forehead glistening with sweat.

Gollum stepped out onto the path. "We likes precious, we dos. Gives us kisses, yes, yes! Gollum Gollum."

The jogger took one look at him and ran back the down the path screaming. Gollum wailed and banged his fists on the rocky ground. The girls in this age didn't like him either! Unfair!

After a temper tantrum that lasted a few minutes, he calmed down a little bit. It was clear no one would agree to kiss him. Yes, he had to be sneaky about it. A kissing ambush, one could say.

Later in the day, Gollum was perched on a tree branch that overgrew the path, hoping for some at least decent-looking woman to pass underneath him. People generally didn't walk under that branch, he was disappointed to find out. However, he was in luck when a teenage girl happened to veer a little to the left, almost directly underneath him. Sméagol gripped the branch tightly and swung himself upside-down, lips puckered. Unfortunately, his aim was off and he ended up poking her in the eye with his nose.

"Verfickter Scheiß Penner!" swore the girl in German, before noticing Gollum. She screamed, punched him in the face, kicked him in the chest, screamed again, and took off. The former hobbit crawled back into the bushes to lick his wounds. It occurred to him that maybe his approach was all wrong. Yes, he needed to become a gentleman. Gollum being Gollum, he quickly thought up a plan.

The first part of that plan went into action when a well-dressed guy, who must have been a businessman, walked past. Sméagol dragged him into the foliage, beat him up, knocked him out, and stole his clothes.

A few minutes later, Gollum was sloppily dressed in a shirt and pants about ten sizes too big for him. He thought he looked perfect. He obviously didn't.

The next step was even crazier. He stumbled across some fox footprints and tracked them until he caught up with the animal. Then Gollum ripped out a huge chunk of its red fur, and placed it on his head as the fox yelped and bolted. The idea was to make it look like he had more than a few strands of hair. It didn't really work, especially since half of it fell off right away. Sméagol didn't mind.

The final preparation part of the plan was simple. Gollum found a skunk, and pestered it until it sprayed him. Skunk smell had such a nicer aroma than any other perfume, at least to Gollum. The rest of the world likely saw it a bit differently.

Now prepared at last, he set out to find another girl. A middle-aged woman in a blue skirt and gray top was walking up the trail. Perfect. Gollum had eyes for only her as he jumped out in front of the woman. Sadly, looking at her and only her meant he hadn't seen her dog. The pudgy little bulldog growled at the hobbit menacingly. "Uh, hellos? Gollum Gollum."

The pet growled again and gave chase, ripping his leash from his owner's hand. Gollum was a lot slower, and the pup caught up to him right as he left the path. The bulldog then proceeded to maul Gollum. What can I say? The little psycho deserved it.

After the lady had pried her dog away, a thoroughly bruised and beaten Gollum crawled back into the forest, where he collapsed next to a small pond. On a lily pad near him sat a frog. "Ribbit. Ribbit ribbit. Ribbit." Gollum cracked open one eye and peered at it. It was time for his first kiss. He didn't know if the frog was male or female. At this point he didn't care. Sméagol gave the poor unsuspecting amphibian a big smooch, and then ate it. Delicious.

**Thanks for reading and please review. The next chapter will take place in, of all places, Antartica!**


	4. Antarctica

**This chapter suspends belief a lot near the end, but it's likely the funniest so far!**

_Travel Brochure: Antarctica is the third-smallest continent and the only one not permanently occupied by humans. 98% of the land is covered by ice or snow. Wildlife of any kind is scarce, and the only people there are researchers, scientists, and die-hard tourists._

Gollum had been having an insane time in Brazil. A really insane time. But that's another story for another time. At one point during his stay there, he stowed away on board a large ship, just as it was about to depart. Sméagol found this awesome as the land was left behind, but as the ship got closer and closer to its destination, he would come to bitterly regret it.

He tried his best to stay out of sight of the boat's crew and passengers, and for the most part he succeeded. Occasionally someone would catch a fleeting glimpse of a fleeing shadow, but that was all. He stole from their food supplies, and ate rats when that wasn't enough. Gollum made his nest on a shelf far back in the cargo hold, and there he could sleep undisturbed. It was pure bliss.

Until the cold came. At first the change wasn't very noticeable, but the longer they sailed, the colder it got, much to Gollum's chagrin. In retrospect, he should've worn more than a loincloth. Now, Gollum was pretty much invulnerable after having spent so much time with the ring, not to mention he was used to the cold after living in a cave for centuries on end. So the chances of him getting frostbite or hypothermia were virtually none. However, it was still cold as hell, a very senseless expression as hell is actually a few million degrees.

One day he felt the ship stop moving. After a few hours, nothing had changed, so he decided to ventures out on deck. They were docked at the edge of a vast land. The humans were busy loading crates onto sledges and snowmobiles, but he paid them no attention. Instead, he slipped over the edge and landed in a world of white.

It was even colder here than it was in the cargo hold, but Gollum decided not to care. Leaving the humans far behind, he trekked across the snow. Everything looked the same. It was all white. It was all snow. It was all cold. It was all empty.

After a mile or so of this with no changes, he decided to head back to the people. But then he realized he didn't know which direction he'd come from, and the falling snow had covered his tracks. Perfect.

That was when he noticed something in the distance. Like everything here, it was white, but it was also part black with a little yellow too. An animal of some sort. Maybe it tasted good. He crept slowly towards it.

Sméagol was nearly there when he paused to look around. There wasn't one creature. There were hundreds! If he ate one, would the others eat him? He didn't know. Better not to risk it.

He stood there, not sure of what to do, when he noticed one of the creatures do something strange. It slid down a slope on its belly. In fact, lots of the animals were doing this. It looked fun! Gollum decided to give it a try.

He walked a little bit away from the penguins, for that's what they were, and came to the crest of a giant hill. Without a moment's hesitation, he threw himself over the edge and slid down. He screamed in joy as the wind blew past him. Twenty yards to the bottom, ten yards, five! Suddenly, he crashed through the ice and spiraled into a hidden ravine.

As he fell, Gollum tried to grab onto the sides, but all he did was bang around and eventually hit the ground far below, extremely bruised and battered. He laid there for a while, moaning in pain. When he finally got his sense back, Sméagol realized there was no way he would be climbing back up. The ravine ran on like a canyon, so he decided to follow it.

He walked for miles. The ground sloped up and down, dropped down a small cliff, and twisted and turned. Like the rest of Antarctica, it was all white, all cold, and all empty. Then he saw something very, very different.

A few hundred yards ahead the canyon expanded suddenly. And in that part was a village. No joke. Everything was green and red, with all sorts of poles and decorations everywhere. Most of the buildings had only one story, but many had several. Totally shocked at seeing such a thing, Gollum crept forward slowly and stealthily. He didn't want to be seen by any of the village's inhabitants.

When he got close, he hopped the fence. Inside were tons of really short people wearing shoes just as pointy as their ears. Sméagol kept to the shadows and they didn't notice him. He decided to head for the largest building. As soon as he snuck through the door, he was enveloped in a crushing bear hug.

The man who was hugging him was extremely fat, had a long white beard, and wore all red. "Welcome, Gollum my friend, and merry Christmas!" he exclaimed. "Actually, it's several months away from Christmas, but never mind that. It's not often I meet someone even older than my jolly old self!"

Gollum cocked his head. "You don't recognize me?" asked the man. "Why, I'm Santa Claus! Don't bother telling me who you are, I already know. I see you when you're sleeping, after all! Anyway, I recently had to move down here from the North Pole. Too many Arctic expeditions up there!"

Gollum had absolutely no idea what the fatso was talking about. Minus the overly-jolly accent, the words still made no sense to him. But then Santa did something that definitely caught his interest. "Anyway, toy business is going well. After that Hobbit movie, our most popular toy is rings! Would you believe it?" Santa held up a box of what appeared to be hundreds of the One Ring.

Gollum immediately punched Santa Claus in the face and stole the box. Sirens went off as he dashed down the halls, and elf security guards started chasing him. He ducked into a room and saw a sleigh with eight reindeer hooked up to it, and he jumped in and noticed a whip. Sméagol didn't know you're just supposed to crack it, so he whipped the nearest reindeer as hard as he possibly could.

It bolted, dragging Gollum, the sleigh, and the other reindeer along with it. The toy rings were left behind. Once the other seven deer regained a little control, they flew wildly through a tunnel, across the snow, and then over the ocean, where the sleigh tilted and Gollum fell into the sea. He had to swim back to the mainland. It wasn't fun.

**Thanks for reading and please review! What location do you guys want to see next?**


	5. Walt Disney World Resort

**And here's the next update, sooner than expected. For those wondering how long this story will be over all, well, when I notice that the chapters are getting more boring, I'll think up three really cool, really creative, and really long ideas, and those will be the final three chapters. Hopefully that's still a long way off; I'd like this to be twenty to thirty chapters!**

_Travel Brochure: Walt Disney World Resort, opened in 1971, covers over 30,000 acres, four theme parks, and two water parks. It is the most visited amusement park in the world, attracting millions of tourists to attractions like Expedition Everest, Spaceship Earth, and Splash Mountain._

One day not too long ago, Gollum was in Florida. He hated the place. Bugs, swamps, crocodiles, and unbearable heat. It was torture. And the local wildlife, which consisted of both alligators and crocodiles, in addition to invading pythons, had tried to eat him alive many, many times. They hadn't succeeded. Yet.

On the aforementioned day, Gollum pulled himself out of the edge of an everglade to find himself directly in front of a large perimeter fence. Not wanting to return through the marshlands, he decided to scale it. Unfortunately for him, it was both electric and topped with barbed wire. But just as he started climbing and got his first electric shock, a python slithered out of the boggy area and glared at him.

Quick as a Gollum about to be eaten alive, as that's what he was, he climbed up the fence and dropped down onto the other side. Having spent so much time with the ring had made him practically invincible, but the pain was still awful. On the bright side, having very painful things happening to him with seemingly no injury made for great slapstick.

Sméagol wandered across a valley and over another fence or two, thankfully with no current, before coming to the edge of the weirdest town he had ever seen. Directly beneath him were train tracks, and thirty feet ahead were extremely weird buildings, and lots and lots of people, including a few dressed in strange costumes. Also, everywhere he looked he saw some representation of mouse ears. Freaky. But there were way too many people for him to want to venture near. Sméagol was debating turning around when the train hit him.

It was a steam engine of sorts, and it smacked him clear of the tracks. He flew into the air, and against all rules of physics, landed on the roof of the train. He hung on for dear life, but thankfully the locomotive wasn't going very fast.

He turned his head to the right and watched the strange town go by. That was when he noticed a huge mountain in the middle of it. It reminded him a lot of the volcano where his ring had been incinerated. Perhaps there was a ring here too? It was a pretty far-fetched idea, but he had nothing better to do.

Gollum slid to the edge of the roof and jumped off, landing on his head. Again, slapstick. Ha ha funny. He made his way to a sort of covered tent where there were no people, as people generally weren't a fan of him. However, that didn't seem to be the case here.

A little boy, maybe six or seven years old, walked by, clutching his mother's hand. He pointed at Sméagol. "Mama, look! It's Gollum!"

"Don't be ridiculous, dear, Gollum's not a Dismey character. And how do you even know who Gollum is? Those movies are far too violent for you!"

"But mama, it IS Gollum. C'mon, look!" His mother looked, screamed, and ran, while the small child approached the hobbit. "Can I have your autograph?" he asked, holding out his little book.

Gollum looked at it, and one could see the gears turning in his head. This was a book. Books were made out of paper. Paper came from trees. Trees were made out of wood. Wood often had bugs in it. Bugs were tasty. This series of transitive thoughts to an end, he grabbed the book and ate it whole.

"Hey! That's mine!" yelled the little guy. He pried open Gollum's mouth and reached his hand inside. Sméagol was tempted to bite down, but he was certain the kid would taste bad.

The tiny boy's fingers found the book wedged in his throat and yanked it out, causing Gollum great pain. Slapstick, eh? "Yuck! Gollum spit!" he complained. "You owe me a new one, mister!" Sméagol shrugged and took off.

* * *

Several hours and many close calls later, Gollum finally arrived at the mountain. Splash Mountain, to be specific. He tried to think of a way to get up, when he noticed log rafts filled with people heading into a tunnel. Maybe that was the right way? He jumped onto one of these boats just as it departed, and hunkered down in the back so as not to be spotted by the humans.

They took off into darkness, and soon emerged into a frightening and confusing world of animal animatronics, bad lighting, and happy-go-lucky music. It was all a mystery to Sméagol, who stared at everything in wonder. After a little while they went back out in the open, far higher than they were before. So the log was heading to the top! Yes!

The ride went on a while longer, through many scary and weird parts. At one point, high up in the mountain, the craft ascended steeply through an ominous red cavern. The animal animatronics played out a deadly scene as Gollum noticed what was to come. A huge near-vertical drop, down to the very bottom of the mountain!

All thoughts of searching for rings left his head. He jumped out of the boat as it went over, and clung to a rock on the outside edge of the mountain. Those poor people who went off the cliff! Yes, people were idiots, but no one deserved a fate like that!

It wasn't long before tourists down below began noticing him. Soon everybody was pointing and staring. Within five minutes, he was on the news, with a helicopter filming him from the air. The general consensus was that he was a huge wingless hairless loincloth-wearing albino bat who was scared of heights.

As his fifteen minutes of fame went on, his grip weakened. Eventually his fingers gave out and he fell. Had he gone over in the log, it would've been exhilarating and fun. But since he was now free-falling, things didn't look so good. Especially when he missed the water and landed on the large fake thorns. Dont'cha just love that slapstick?

He manages to crawl back into the water and was swept further down the ride, where his bruised and bent form climbed onto a ship of singing animal animatronics. "Zip a dee doo dah, zip a dee ay! My oh my, what a wonderful day!" And just when he thought things couldn't get any worse, he was wedged between two of the animatronics and stuck there for several months.

Hundreds of log rafts passed by him, but everyone thought he was supposed to be there. See, Splash Mountain was based off an old Disney movie that hasn't been released to the modern public as it's supposedly racist. Is it? Not really, but what can you expect from a company run by a mouse? So, the point being that no one knew whether the old film had Gollums in it or not. In fact, within a few weeks the world actually thought that Gollum _was_ a Disney character.

As for the hobbit himself, he eventually escaped, and fled to the swamps as quickly as possible. Crocodiles were nothing compared to theme parks.

**Thanks for reading and please review! Next chapter will take place at the first and possibly only fictional location in this story...that's all I'll say for now!**


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